The Top 5 Sequels That Raped My Childhood

Nostalgia. No one wants it to be tainted. All the games enjoyed as a child are losing their grace. Overdone sequels, unnecessary remakes, and unsuccessful reiterations. This is a list of great franchises sodomized by terrible ideas, that in turn sodomized my memories. 

Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat

While this game was well received by critics and is amongst the top titles for the Gamecube, this game took everything that was great to the fans and threw it out. After seeing how well Donkey Kong 64 fared coming into the 3D world, the series took an awkward turn when you had to use bongos to control Donkey Kong. Not to mention the absence of virtually all past characters in the series. Even the 3rd entry into the series on SNES, with the absence of DK, wasn't this awkward. 

After seeing how well done Donkey Kong Country Returns was on the Wii, this game stands out even more on what is otherwise a great series.         

Victim

Rapist

 

 Sonic Adventures

Where to begin on this one. For the past decade many developers have found ways to rape the memories left from the days of the Sega Genesis. It began with some fondling, introducing Sonic Adventure to the series. Which wasn't overall a terrible game, but no one wanted to see Sonic jogging around a city and getting into comic book themed boss battles on street corners with cops surrounding the vicinity. Then there was a snowboard added in on Sonic Adventure 2. Then there was Sonic Unleashed, where you get to see Sonic as a werewolf. A werewolf. I at least have to give credit to Sega for trying to give back to old faithful fans with Sonic The Hedgehog 4.

Victim

Rapist  (multiple)

Perfect Dark: Zero

The multiplayer. The multiplayer in Perfect Dark during the N64 days. It brings games like Golden Eye to mind. One of the most great looking games at the time and one of the most addicting multiplayer games to play with friends on the couch. Rare never gave us another sequel until two generations later, where they delivered the steaming pile of shit that was Perfect Dark: Zero. Who knew steaming piles of shit could rape you? From a sophisticated and mature game, to cartoon visuals and terrible gameplay. I still don't know why everything looked wet in this game. The only thing the game did do is make me want to have sex with Joanna Dark a bit more.

Victim

Rapist

Blitz: The League

The great thing about Blitz was the simple and over the top gameplay. Nailing a guy going for the catch, carrying 3 defenders on your back while on fire, and 90 yard field goals all became possible in a rather bleak market for football video games. Over saturated with football sims at the time, Blitz came along and made it possible for the small me to have fun and not be confused by the Madden iterations. 

For several years the Blitz entries entertained. Then a rapist infiltrated my beloved series and spawned Blitz: The League. Now, this series' downfall does deserve one glaring excuse: EA buying the rights to the NFL license. We were left with bland, made up characters and teams. While people normally complain about a game's lack of depth, this is one series' that didn't need depth. Now we've gotten to the point where you choose whether or not to shoot up your character with painkillers. 

Victim

Rapist

Pac-Man World

Who thought it would be a good idea to take a game like Pac-Man and throw into a platforming world? While we're at it, lets give Pong and Frogger a story. Oh what's that? They did that to Frogger too? With Pac-Man Adventures you were given a ridiculous story line and platforming elements. At one point, you have to find a bottle for Pac-Man's child. People play Pac-Man because of what Pac-Man is. I don't fire up Madden in hopes that Josh Freeman will have to rescue his teammates from an exploding building. No, I play it because I want to play some god damn football. I don't need to explain why this series should have never been given any sort of treatment. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Or rape it.

Victim

Rapist

-Pinellas